“Excellence is never an accident. It is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, and intelligent execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives - choice, not chance, determines your destiny.” Aristotle
Sometimes I don't know where my symptoms end and I begin. Which one is me? The outgoing, energetic, talkative and crazy one? With a mind full of racing thoughts, I can be incredibly inspired and just full of this creative energy that translates into some kind of artistic rage...... or is the seclusive, hopeless, antisocial, melancholic and deeply pensive me who I truly am? And could I really accept that maybe I am just both?
_At least I don't think I am Bipolar most of the time. I simply refuse to believe it and I often have to read about this illness. I use it as a reminder, a reminder that I am sick. Reading about Bipolar disorder helps me stay grounded, to stay in the moment. Still, no matter how many episodes I have, no matter how many times I go off my medications and I experience a mental breakdown I still, once in a while, completely deny this diagnosis.
I have read that this is common. Some people just start feeling better between episodes, it is easy to think that you are ok and that you no longer need to be treated. Other people like me simply refuse to believe that they are Bipolar. We remember better times, when we felt stronger and more grounded. We are painfully aware of the stigma surrounding Bipolar disorder. We just don't want to believe that we are sick.
So I read, I inform myself, I read about the symptoms over and over until I finally see reality for what it is, not for what I want it to be. It helps me, until the next time I start thinking that I might not have Bipolar Disorder after all.....
Sometimes I wonder if I am in denial But there might be another explanation for this. I found a very helpful article that helped me understand a little better why I sometimes choose to deny that I have Bipolar disorder.